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Characters




Benjamin

The conscience of the office. Smart and cultured, to him everyone working there is either a pariah, wacko, or merely a lost soul. Keeping to himself for the most part, he'll only express opinions work related when push comes to shove, or something blatenly ridiculous that he must lash-out to quell the numbing in his brain.



Big Fat Lotus

A large woman of short stature who has a penchant for arguing, she uses her pig squelch voice to eviscerate the competition. Possessing a memory like a goldfish, she unreasonably assumes she's the smartest person in the room. She cares more about reality TV than actual world events.



Big Fat Lotus Sister

A stocky woman with the physique of a middle linebacker with equal temperment. Hot and cold with a wide emotional arc, she may snap at any time unloading her current angst. Smart, and seemingly savy, her bane, aside from her fat sister's squawking abuse, is her base vices that may earn her an early demise.



Bruce

Like his small counterparts of the Martial Arts films (Jet Li, Jackie Chan), Bruce may kill you in many ways, including his rapier like wit. Unfortunately, this genius man has the emotional age of a seven year old. A bad combination if your argument with him takes a wrong turn!



Brutus

Brutus, like the comic strip characters, is a large muscular man not to be challenged for fear of losing a limb. He's the man you make friends with in prison to protect yourself, and of course because he insists. (Wink, Wink)



Dan

The sanest man in the office who keeps afloat among the insanity, incompetence, and frequent blow-ups. He secretly desires to own a yogurt business that will probably be called, "Crazies."



Donnie

The master of non-confrontation, Donnie will avoid any contact about any potential disagreement. A quiet and intelligent individual who actually, unlike his partner Rich, knows the score.



Duke

Known simply as "Duke," The Duke is a mysterious enigma to everyone around the office. He silently goes about his workday, obediently fulfilling his daily duties all the while planning his next murder. He watches conversations among co-workers intently, filing in his mental database our every move and finding our weaknesses to use against us. Is he an escaped mental patient with intentions on gunning down the entire office? Or is he a religious freak hunting down atheists? Could he be a FBI agent intent on taking down the company once and for all? Maybe his entire persona is all just a ruse, a clever ploy by the world's greatest actor.



Fatty

A tall question mark shaped man of excessive fat and carbs, he obviously doesn't care about his appearance. His knowledge of technology and animation porn reflects his recluse existence outside of work. He always has a candy or sweet available on his person.



Felicia

Everyone has a Felicia in their office. You know, one of those girls that would be doable if they only lost 20 pounds. Known for her “flava,” Felicia is a feisty girl that puts family/friends first and her job second. Also known for coming up with every excuse in the book for being late, she’s usually just hung over from getting blasted at the local dive bar the previous night. While having a big heart and a friendly demeanor, don’t piss this chick off! Felicia is one of the few that has actually defended herself against the Russians and come away unscathed.



Kelly

As quiet as a mouse upstairs, nobody is sure what Kelly is really all about. Engaging her in conversation is like getting a root canal and anal probe at the same time. Not the type to let anyone get close, Kelly either stays to herself or aligns with the Russians. Being Asian, she is smart, and is one of Susan’s few beloveds. Due to this, her mysterious persona, and her lack of secrets, she might be the best player in the game.



Lazarus

This half balding man with a crazy inventive mind plays by his own set of rules. He is an animated spirit like a character from a cereal box jumped into our reality. A penchant for conversation, he'll talk you ino a catatonic state, adeptly using provocative and verbose description. He's a fascinating individual that runs mostly hot! If you push his button he might just abruptly pop-up like a "Jack-In-A-Box" and demonstrate his crazy dance... in your face!



Manny

An older man who has overcome much tribulation in his life. His voice is pure gravel and he walks like his shoes are filled with tiny pebbles. To look at this poor speciman in obvious pain, one has to feel sympathy for the organ recipient that wins the lottery of Manny's liver.



Marcellus

Calm in nature but a hulking presence that demands respect, Marcellus was usually able to charm and hypnotize any lady co-worker of his choosing. With his down to earth demeanor, Marcellus was well-liked by all employees other than Pedro, who with deep hatred and jealousy had him abruptly fired. He will be missed.



Mel

A broken down version of his former "Salesman of the Universe" self, Mel now comes to work only to try (and ultimately fail) to relive his past glory. Usually when one comes across Mel, he or she will undoubtedly turn and walk in the other direction. A male chauvinist pig at heart, Mel digusts fellow employees with his talk of yesteryear and once upon a time sexual conquests.



Melva

A religious, bilingual, small package of a woman relegated to cleaning this office animal farm. A pious soul who ironically doesn't have much love for her fellow employees. She snickers about them in her spanish native tongue to the few spanish speaking employees. She's simply not happy cleaning up their shit!



Mickey

The Jersey Shore wannabe with an ego the size of the Pacific Ocean. Mickey loves to strut around the office in search of a mirror while wearing one of his 25 multi-colored v-neck t-shirts. This self-proclaimed asshole has no problem verbalizing his disgust at those he hates around the workplace. One of the few muscle-bound idiots with a personality, Mickey uses his charm and self-defacing humor to gain allies. Can usually be seen walking through the office with his protein shake yelling out, “It’s protein time!”



Nena

Nena has a great sense of humor and is able to dish it out as well as she can take it. A well-liked woman, Nena has many friends around the office, including the Big Fat Lotus Sisters. When she’s not missing days of work at a time or in a semiweekly crappy mood, Nena is a joy to be around. Just make sure you don’t dare talk about her two closest friends in her presence! You can usually find Nena driving around in her brand new motorcycle.



Oompa Loompa Rena

When she’s not slamming doors behind her, screaming at the top of her lungs at someone two feet away, or making fellow co-workers contain their laughter at her full body-suits and awkward appearance, Oompa Loompa Rena can usually be spotted by her smell, a mixture of stale cigarettes and the latest failed diet fad oozing from her pores.



Pedro

Also known as “The Rat” and “The Biggest Bitch in the Office." While needing a step-ladder to gain access to his big (I’m not trying to compensate for anything) truck, Pedro doesn’t let his short size limit him. To make up for his incredibly long list of short-comings, he has made sure to join the Susan ass-kissing club. As one of Susan’s favorites, Pedro usually gets whatever he wants, including undeserved pay increases and getting well-liked employees fired. He is also known for his piss-poor usage of the English language and awful attempts at flirting with female vendors.



Pierre

Having a conversation with anyone in the near vicinity of this individual will have you kicking yourself in the ass a few minutes later. This flamboyant homosexual loves to interrupt conversations and give his unwanted, hate-spewing opinion no matter what the topic. Whether it was last night’s American Idol or the latest economic news, Pierre will go on a rant that will make you want to blow your brains through your skull. Unlike most homosexuals, this one won’t have you leaving his presence with a smile on your face.



Pinu

A tiny Russian woman who’s feet dangle eight inches above the floor when eating, Pinu is a rarity with her simple nature and extraordinary back-story. A hard-working employee, Pinu lives a modest but blessed life when compared to her rough Russian upbringing. Unless you get caught behind her in the hallway and smell one of her silent but deadly drifters, or get clipped by her car while she leaves the parking lot, she is simply a delight.



Rich

A leader among men...No, that absolutely doesn't describe him. An abent leader, and co-partner, with a zest for living, or driving himself to an early grave with his many vices.



Rodrigo

A sensative man who pokes fun at his own Latino character. He uses self-effacing humor about Latino stereotypes to guilt people into showing him empathy. Despite his rough background and limited education, Rodrigo believes he must be right regarding most general matters. His interesting quirk is making up words on the spot to highlight his ideal intelligence.



Steve

A simple-minded individual garbed in the current trendy styles. He's married, the everyman, and aside from his husband and fatherly duties he likes to slide through life negotiating as little obstacles as possible.



Susan

Loud, rude, oblivious to the world around her, obnoxious, OCD, and a complete bitch are only a few terms one would use to begin to describe this orange goblin of a woman. A Real Wives of Orange County reject, she would rather go without bathing for a week than ruin her daily spray tan. Hated by nearly all, Susan dedicates her life to her job, her dogs, and the few employees that kiss her ass, which has been the cause for much laughter throughout the office after her 10th botched plastic surgery.



Teddy

High rollin’, Big pimpin’, Pot smoking, and making it rain money. Those are the four rules of life that Teddy lives by, and he’ll make sure to let you know it by showing off one of his 6 cars, bragging about lifting three plates, or challenging you to an arm wrestling match in the middle of the day. Teddy likes to pass the time by making a few calls in the morning and then making small talk with whoever crosses his path in between his 5-10 “smoke” breaks. Just make sure to not let him show you what he has underneath his shirt, as the rolls of putrid fat rolling off his stomach will have you gagging all the way to the toilet.



Todd

Inteligence is not this man's problem. He's a clever man with ill intent. Being a sex-offender, drug abuser, and stealing an ambulance for a joy-ride? This may be elements for some concern.



Topanga

A slim brunette looking for yet another baby daddy to provide for her until his inevitable prison sentence. Using her intelligence, extreme back-stabbing methods, and Susan's infatuation for her, she is able to greatly succeed in anything office related. Beware! She’ll laugh at your jokes like a hyena, and then laugh even harder when she gets you fired.



Wally

Avid sports fan, comic collector, and bobble head doll enthusiast, Wally provides laughs and good times to whoever crosses his path. Known for his double finger-pointing dance, this loveable loser serves as an excellent office servant boy and mascot. Be sure to look out for his penis drawings, a huge hit among most of the guys.



Wide Eyes

He's a dreamer with an enduring tenacity to make his desire a reality. He carries a slight chip on his shoulder and believes the world owes him more, which is a distinct contradiction to his view, "Let's stop fighting with each other and understand our neighbor who wants the same thing."





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