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The conscience of the office. Smart and cultured, to him everyone
working there is either a pariah, wacko, or merely a lost soul.
Keeping to himself for the most part, he'll only express opinions
work related when push comes to shove, or something blatenly
ridiculous that he must lash-out to quell the numbing in his brain.
Big Fat Lotus
A large woman of short stature who has a penchant for
arguing, she uses her pig squelch voice to eviscerate the
competition. Possessing a memory like a goldfish, she
unreasonably assumes she's the smartest person in the room.
She cares more about reality TV than actual world events.
Big Fat Lotus Sister
A stocky woman with the physique of a middle linebacker
with equal temperment. Hot and cold with a wide emotional
arc, she may snap at any time unloading her current angst.
Smart, and seemingly savy, her bane, aside from her fat
sister's squawking abuse, is her base vices that may earn
her an early demise.
Like his small counterparts of the Martial Arts films
(Jet Li, Jackie Chan), Bruce may kill you in many ways,
including his rapier like wit. Unfortunately, this genius man
has the emotional age of a seven year old. A bad combination
if your argument with him takes a wrong turn!
Brutus, like the comic strip characters, is a large muscular man
not to be challenged for fear of losing a limb. He's the man you
make friends with in prison to protect yourself, and of course
because he insists. (Wink, Wink)
The sanest man in the office who keeps afloat among the insanity,
incompetence, and frequent blow-ups. He secretly desires to own a
yogurt business that will probably be called, "Crazies."
The master of non-confrontation, Donnie will avoid any contact
about any potential disagreement. A quiet and intelligent
individual who actually, unlike his partner Rich, knows the
Known simply as "Duke," The Duke is a mysterious enigma to everyone around
the office. He silently goes about his workday, obediently fulfilling his
daily duties all the while planning his next murder. He watches
conversations among co-workers intently, filing in his mental database our
every move and finding our weaknesses to use against us. Is he an
escaped mental patient with intentions on gunning down the entire office?
Or is he a religious freak hunting down atheists? Could he be a FBI agent
intent on taking down the company once and for all? Maybe his entire
persona is all just a ruse, a clever ploy by the world's greatest actor.
A tall question mark shaped man of excessive fat and carbs, he
obviously doesn't care about his appearance. His knowledge of
technology and animation porn reflects his recluse existence
outside of work. He always has a candy or sweet available on his
Everyone has a Felicia in their office. You know, one of those
girls that would be doable if they only lost 20 pounds. Known for
her “flava,” Felicia is a feisty girl that puts family/friends first
and her job second. Also known for coming up with every excuse in the
book for being late, she’s usually just hung over from getting
blasted at the local dive bar the previous night. While having a big
heart and a friendly demeanor, don’t piss this chick off! Felicia is
one of the few that has actually defended herself against the Russians
and come away unscathed.
As quiet as a mouse upstairs, nobody is sure what Kelly is really all about.
Engaging her in conversation is like getting a root canal and anal probe
at the same time. Not the type to let anyone get close, Kelly either stays
to herself or aligns with the Russians. Being Asian, she is smart, and is
one of Susan’s few beloveds. Due to this, her mysterious persona, and her
lack of secrets, she might be the best player in the game.
This half balding man with a crazy inventive mind plays by
his own set of rules. He is an animated spirit like a character
from a cereal box jumped into our reality. A penchant for
conversation, he'll talk you ino a catatonic state, adeptly
using provocative and verbose description. He's a
fascinating individual that runs mostly hot! If you push his
button he might just abruptly pop-up like a "Jack-In-A-Box" and
demonstrate his crazy dance... in your face!
An older man who has overcome much tribulation in his life.
His voice is pure gravel and he walks like his shoes are
filled with tiny pebbles. To look at this poor speciman
in obvious pain, one has to feel sympathy for the organ
recipient that wins the lottery of Manny's liver.
Calm in nature but a hulking presence that demands respect, Marcellus was
usually able to charm and hypnotize any lady co-worker of his choosing.
With his down to earth demeanor, Marcellus was well-liked by all employees
other than Pedro, who with deep hatred and jealousy had him abruptly fired.
He will be missed.
A broken down version of his former "Salesman of the Universe"
self, Mel now comes to work only to try (and ultimately fail)
to relive his past glory. Usually when one comes across Mel,
he or she will undoubtedly turn and walk in the other direction.
A male chauvinist pig at heart, Mel digusts fellow employees
with his talk of yesteryear and once upon a time sexual conquests.
A religious, bilingual, small package of a woman relegated to
cleaning this office animal farm. A pious soul who ironically
doesn't have much love for her fellow employees. She snickers
about them in her spanish native tongue to the few spanish
speaking employees. She's simply not happy cleaning up their shit!
The Jersey Shore wannabe with an ego the size of the Pacific Ocean.
Mickey loves to strut around the office in search of a mirror while
wearing one of his 25 multi-colored v-neck t-shirts. This
self-proclaimed asshole has no problem verbalizing his disgust at
those he hates around the workplace. One of the few muscle-bound
idiots with a personality, Mickey uses his charm and self-defacing
humor to gain allies. Can usually be seen walking through
the office with his protein shake yelling out, “It’s protein time!”
Nena has a great sense of humor and is able to dish it out as well
as she can take it. A well-liked woman, Nena has many friends around
the office, including the Big Fat Lotus Sisters. When she’s not
missing days of work at a time or in a semiweekly crappy mood,
Nena is a joy to be around. Just make sure you don’t dare talk
about her two closest friends in her presence! You can usually
find Nena driving around in her brand new motorcycle.
Oompa Loompa Rena
When she’s not slamming doors behind her, screaming at the top of her lungs
at someone two feet away, or making fellow co-workers contain their
laughter at her full body-suits and awkward appearance, Oompa Loompa Rena
can usually be spotted by her smell, a mixture of stale cigarettes and the
latest failed diet fad oozing from her pores.
Also known as “The Rat” and “The Biggest Bitch in the Office." While
needing a step-ladder to gain access to his big (I’m not trying to
compensate for anything) truck, Pedro doesn’t let his short size limit
him. To make up for his incredibly long list of short-comings, he has made
sure to join the Susan ass-kissing club. As one of Susan’s favorites,
Pedro usually gets whatever he wants, including undeserved
pay increases and getting well-liked employees fired. He is also
known for his piss-poor usage of the English language and awful
attempts at flirting with female vendors.
Having a conversation with anyone in the near vicinity of this individual
will have you kicking yourself in the ass a few minutes later. This
flamboyant homosexual loves to interrupt conversations and give his
unwanted, hate-spewing opinion no matter what the topic. Whether it was
last night’s American Idol or the latest economic news, Pierre
will go on a rant that will make you want to blow your brains through your
skull. Unlike most homosexuals, this one won’t have you leaving his
presence with a smile on your face.
A tiny Russian woman who’s feet dangle eight inches above the floor when
eating, Pinu is a rarity with her simple nature and extraordinary
back-story. A hard-working employee, Pinu lives a modest but blessed life
when compared to her rough Russian upbringing. Unless you get caught behind
her in the hallway and smell one of her silent but deadly drifters, or
get clipped by her car while she leaves the parking lot, she is simply a
A leader among men...No, that absolutely doesn't describe him. An
abent leader, and co-partner, with a zest for living, or driving
himself to an early grave with his many vices.
A sensative man who pokes fun at his own Latino character. He
uses self-effacing humor about Latino stereotypes to guilt
people into showing him empathy. Despite his rough background
and limited education, Rodrigo believes he must be right
regarding most general matters. His interesting quirk is
making up words on the spot to highlight his ideal intelligence.
A simple-minded individual garbed in the current trendy
styles. He's married, the everyman, and aside from his
husband and fatherly duties he likes to slide through life
negotiating as little obstacles as possible.
Loud, rude, oblivious to the world around her, obnoxious, OCD, and a complete
bitch are only a few terms one would use to begin to describe this orange
goblin of a woman. A Real Wives of Orange County reject, she would rather
go without bathing for a week than ruin her daily spray tan. Hated by nearly
all, Susan dedicates her life to her job, her dogs, and the few employees
that kiss her ass, which has been the cause for much laughter
throughout the office after her 10th botched plastic surgery.
High rollin’, Big pimpin’, Pot smoking, and making it rain money. Those
are the four rules of life that Teddy lives by, and he’ll make sure to
let you know it by showing off one of his 6 cars, bragging about lifting
three plates, or challenging you to an arm wrestling match in the middle of
the day. Teddy likes to pass the time by making a few calls in the
morning and then making small talk with whoever crosses his path in between
his 5-10 “smoke” breaks. Just make sure to not let him show you what he has
underneath his shirt, as the rolls of putrid fat rolling off his stomach will
have you gagging all the way to the toilet.
Inteligence is not this man's problem. He's a clever man with
ill intent. Being a sex-offender, drug abuser, and stealing
an ambulance for a joy-ride? This may be elements for some
A slim brunette looking for yet another baby daddy to provide for her until
his inevitable prison sentence. Using her intelligence, extreme
back-stabbing methods, and Susan's infatuation for her, she is able to
greatly succeed in anything office related. Beware! She’ll laugh at your
jokes like a hyena, and then laugh even harder when she gets you fired.
Avid sports fan, comic collector, and bobble head doll enthusiast, Wally
provides laughs and good times to whoever crosses his path. Known for his
double finger-pointing dance, this loveable loser serves as an excellent
office servant boy and mascot. Be sure to look out for his penis drawings,
a huge hit among most of the guys.
He's a dreamer with an enduring tenacity to make his desire a reality.
He carries a slight chip on his shoulder and believes the world owes
him more, which is a distinct contradiction to his view, "Let's stop
fighting with each other and understand our neighbor who wants the